I am in a bad mood. A really bad mood - to the point of tears. Which is probably a bad thing because im off all my meds and they have helped. God, I loathe psychopharmacology e.e

Anyway, its been building up since Wednesday or so, when I told my dad - who I have been staying with on account of my puppy - that I was going home - my moms - for the night so my stepdad could take a look at the window of my rig and see what's going on (Monday night the motor in my driverside window blew so I had been windowless in the lovely Oregon autumn weather). This is fine, I would be back Thursday sometime to deal with the puppies and collect my stuff for housesitting.

Okay, how long are you going to be gone? I tell him Tuesday.
This is by no means the longest period I've gone housesitting, but the way his face contorted you would have thought I said I would be gone for two months. He said fine, but he was getting really frustrated with the puppies, they're wearing him out, etc etc.

To my credit, though I desperately wanted to, I did not go, "no shit sherlock, they're puppies. Its what they do."

Thursday goes by with no problems that attribute to my mood, except the one which I will not go into detail about, though I am running low on fuel and cash and my phone is being an asshole (but if you had read the absence thread you would know this and I do not need to go into detail). I have been driving the truck since I do not have a window and it has been raining. This is okay, I get paid on Friday, so I can go put my check in the bank and get some diesel, and hopefully that can hold me til I can get my rig back - I had just filled her up, too.

Wake up early on Friday, but there were accidents on the roads so I couldn't go get fuel before work. This too is fine, I know I can make it there and back within my hour for lunch. Except I have to go run an errand for the clinic, *and will not be reimbursed for* since now all mileage and expenses must be approved in advance; approving doctor is in Hawaii on a much needed vacation. And really, this is okay since it'd about to like, 7.5 usd, which is not even two gallons of diesel, though I did go through a gallon or so to get to the sister clinic, but I take the long way to get there because driving the truck in traffic is a bit much to handle. So I stopped by the bank and get some fuel along the way, since its technically my lunch hour anyway.

I had 253 miles until empty Friday afternoon. About 1/3 of a tank and 50 usd.

I bring my charger home from work, since motorola and kindle + apple are </3, so my phone will charge over the weekend and I don't have to worry about not getting any important messages or whatever.

Sometime Saturday, I get a text from my dad wanting to know "how to train the dogs to not poop in their kennel." I have told him several times what to do and even wrote him a list - which I am sure he did not touch after I had given it to him. I almost, almost sent the reply "lmgtfy" but didn't; I am proud of myself for that.

Not much else happened on Saturday, got the xbox hooked up and stuff. Played for a bit. Was a goodish day.

Yesterday afternoon, I get the ultimatum *via text* to either get rid of the dog or quit housesitting because he's had it with the dog crap everywhere. I haven't replied since my phones an ass and wont send out text messages when it has less than two bars of service, but I managed to call my mom just fine.

Another reason why I need an iphone: android devices suck major ass.

So we're gonna get MY house, the one I own, up and inhabitable after christmas so I can take my dog and let him ruin his. I need to collect on what he owes me, too. This may seem petty, but with all the shit I've gone through, its the least he could do; after all, it is my inheritance he wont give me.

This morning, I get a picture message of the poop in the kennel. I am trying so hard to be the better person and wait until we're face to face so I can tell him emphatically what and how to do it. But I know he wont listen, that's part of the reason I don't live with him, if I can help it, and do not like him as a person. Its why he and my mom aren't together. Its why I defer to my stepdad when there are things I don't know...unless its computer, then I go to him.

There are more things pissing me off, but for the sake of my own privacy I can't really get into them. x.x Let's just say that some people do their jobs well no matter the time it takes while others don't but get paid more

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*sigh*

popped into my head while playing skyrim and marvelling at the detail that went into the architecture:

[/b]
the keystone[/b]

it is what holds us together
keeping the bridge from falling

like the archway we walked under

it is our heart
though broken and shattered
it is still strong
holding us up when all else fails

[/blockquote]

It's not done. there's another stanza with those first line - ideally something that describes the purpose of the keystone as it was made. haven't found the right words to fix it yet so it's just sitting there. same with the middle one. i dunno.

There's a bug flying around. I keep catching him out of the corner of my eye and go EGADSPIDEohno, box elder. Then he flies and I go, EGADBUZZING.

No internet at work. I've read the sign posted and still wonder why my phone wont connect to the network three seconds later <_<

Dect posted pictures of there and back again char cupcakes. I made a joke in poor...taste... that even I don't get. (Takes eating gandalf to a hole new level).

Keeping in mind all of this is within the last 10 or so minutes as I wander about on my rounds of stuff to look at and see what needs done when I can find the time (or am told to make the time) to do. Really not much else that I care to speak of at present.

Christmas is around the corner, don't have my gifts done. Don't have the money for them either. Am moving back to my moms after the holiday - poor Sansa puppy got kicked out of the house:

So did you talk to your mom about Sansa?
Yes. After christmas.
I guess you're going too?
...Yes. (in a why wouldn't I be going with my dog tone)
Damn. Sucks..
Well I go where the dog goes!

She's been kicked out because she holds River back and, this is my own inference, makes my dad look stupid because Lily, my aunts dog of the same litter, is so much further ahead. Because she works with the dog, her husband works with the dog, and her son works with the dog.

Sansa can sit, stay, lie down, wait, and go into her kennel. We're working on handshakes now. :3
River only pays attention if you have food. And then its a battle for sit.

At least this way I can get the potty training completely fixed - having an alpha show the puppy what to do is awesome. Plus, she can learn all of simons tricks, both good and bad. But she understands no means no and doesn't forget...yet.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

So here I am, trying to go to the bathroom. I have this terrible condition where I can't multitask, so I am loving on the dog while trying to do my business and unable to open the gate, as it were.

SHE CLIMBS INTO MY LAP AND PRESSES DIRECTLY ON MY BLADDER. You know, the one I can't empty because she's got my attentions.

Thought you all needed to know what I have to endure.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

Got called into work this morning. It is a Wednesday, which is notorious for being slow and bare-staffed because its a Wednesday and has always been. Not today!

We have one doctor, which is more or less normal especially during the holidays. One receptionist, which is normal.

Five technicians. Usually its two per doctor. Unless there's a second, invisible and muffled doctor, we have too many.

And me.

So really, we have three fulltime members who are not here. And the day is, thusfarknockonwood, normal.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

So I got this cat that came in at 10ish this morning, and she has a bloody eye.

Its now 445ish, and she still hasn't been seen :/

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First order of business: its really hard to pee with a jacket or two on.

Second order of business: my phone sucks. Seriously, its Windows 98 on dial-up when you're used to Win7 on fiberoptics.

Number 2.5: my computer, so eloquently named noob, is slow. But its running on WinXP and outdated hardwear, and is not a 1.67yearold android device. But it does the job.

Number4: my post is on my mac which is at my moms which is 45 minutes away in the freezing fog and icy roads. But she's supposedly bringing it and my electric fleece blanket today so we'll see; if not, redux post when im done hanging drywall. Yes jeff, I owe you pictures. Maybe when the drywall is hanged and I remember.

Number 5: its really cold outside.

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MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: I forgot where I put my coffee ;~;

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: I forgot where I put my coffee ;~;

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

so i just had a kobi burger, and i cannot say i am impressed. sure, the cow was probably treated like a king, but all that marbling fat and crap is sooooo bad for you and gets stuck in your teeth.

This is the second day in a row when I have had oatmeal that's making me sick x.x I'm in that stuck like a deer phase because every time I try and move I am pretty much positive imma vomit up breakfast and about three weeks worth of nutrients. Im real cautious-like, too, because I know I goota go clean stuff up and its like, hey I know what you're feeling, so how about some nice poo on the wall here for ya too

Ya dig?

I got primer coming out of my nose x.x

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Mal hit me.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

I realize my last post would've been far more effective had I actually uploaded the picture to go with it.

Anyway.

SPOILER: Click to show

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So there's this thing, right, called the movies, right, and since hollywood, etc, can't like, come up with anything original some of the time, they use existing material, right, and make new movies. Which is all fine and dandy-like, sure, but not when there's a core element missing from the source material.

Seriously. Damn near walked out of the theater because that part of the story was kinda central. Like, super central. Just so much more plausible than the tie-in they used instead. Aggravating.

Like walking into the restroom mid-film and not having any toilet paper in the stalls. e.e


Huh. Just realized the 'ai' in 'Mai' in my sig isn't in line with the 'anaka' in 'Tanaka'. This, too, is aggravating.

butomgnewstartrektrailerwasperfect. delightfully so. such a sucker for those baby blues.

It is 3:09 in the morning. I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep. Too stressed over something. Over a lot of things that I'm not going to share because I don't want to. It'll make me more depressed. And probably stressed. Because then you'll judge me and I can't stand being actively judged so then I'll be stressing over that and things will just escalate and bad stuff's gonna happen.

I've been sitting here, in bed, for an hour and a half, just waiting to fall asleep. Usually, if I don't fall asleep soon, I get on WebMD and read articles of stuff and that is enough to knock me out until my alarm goes off. Or I'll read on my kindle or something, anything that's boring or informative and will shut my mind off.

I've done that twice already. With the exception of the kindle, since all I have with me are my netbook, which I am typing on, and my phone, which I do not have the charger for at the moment so I don't want to drain the battery and be late for my meeting with the case worker tomorrow. So I can't have it play music to help lull me into sleep, and this netbook is loud enough that I need to unplug it after I shut it off because it makes noise when it charges. There also isn't any music on it and I don't want to let it sit on Pandora or anything because it's loud.

It's bright outside, too, and I can't shut my blinds or put anything up to block out the godawful pink orangeyness of city life. Which is completely weird because it's bright enough I don't need to turn my light on to type, but too dark to see outside? Like, I can't see the dogs with their white tails going potty without a flashlight, but it's bright enough in my room to count things with the light from outside. There's also a rope light along my brother's window, but that is not a problem because it's a shitty wattage or something. Not terribly bright; I had a purple/blacklight one in my room before I moved out on my own to help me see or sleep in the dark or something like that. And it was pretty dim.

I hate the trackpad on this thing. It's so stiff when I need it to not be, but free as can be when I need to go across the screen. It doesn't have any finesse or anything, so I'm dragging it and pushing it and swearing at it to get on a link or into the text box or onto the scroll bar so I can scroll up or down without needing to eff about with the page up or down keys. Just now, I accidentally hit page down and lost sight of the text box. I didn't need to go all the way back up since I've written enough that the bottom of the box is more than sufficient. I couldn't get the damn pointer on the scroll bar. It's infuriating.

Which does nothing to help the sleeping issue. I looked over my shoulder, and my door was open a crack; once I'm done here, if I go right to sleep, I will be miffed because all that effort into trying to go to sleep would have been for naught had I made sure to shut the door. I can't sleep with my back to a door anyway, so how I missed it for an hour baffles me. It's these damn shadows and this pseudo-light. I'm also not wearing any socks and I'm one of those constantly freezing people. Even though I've got an electric blanket on and wrapped about my lower extremities, my feet are still freezing.

So if I can't sleep because of a partially opened door and cold feet, you can understand my frustration. I'm tired, I'm not really overthinking or thinking too much or too fast. In fact, I've been thinking about Mai's current thread and all the pathways it can take, which end up in some form of rest unless something bad shows up. I don't think anything will, but you never know.

I can't count sheep. I played a game at a kid's play center when I was eight or twelve or something and it was shooting a sheep as it jumped out of the farmer's fence. They were on a wheel, and ever since then, each time I've tried to count the fluffeh bastards, they are not jumping a fence, but are the same four on a wheel going round and round.

I don't want to do my meditations, since I prefer to do them while I'm awake and doing things that need me to chillax, not awake and trying to sleep. The hourglass doesn't necessarily work for me because I get all tingly and need to shower, which defeats the purpose.

It is now 3:35. My door is shut, my feet are naked, and I am going to hit post and try my hand at sleeping again; my eyes are heavy and I'm running out of steam, so here's to hoping I can get four hours.

Cheers.

Yeah, I fell right asleep. Lol.

Can't sleep with my door shut tonight, though; Ruby is upset and may want to leave me cold and alone in my bed in favor of the couch, or Simon is lonely and may want some of this electric blanket awesomeness. Or my cup of pudding may not digest well and the less time it takes me to get to the toilet the better for everyone.

At least I can have music to lull me to dreamland.

Peace out!

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

Mmmmmmmmmm. Veronica Mars movie.

So happy n.n

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That feel when your bladder just wont empty while in a public restroom.


ALSO


I am apparently the best fucking thing the herd of baby goats has ever seen. I was worshipped and clambered upon like there was no tomorrow. If the pictures turned out, I shall share.

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ignore this. someone can't do math before 0800 on a saturday

Im worried that im gonna roll over in my sleep and knock my phone to oblivion and not way up. Being in a room with lack of electrical outlets suuuucks.

My brother is lumbering through the house in the dark. Its a little freaky because sometimes he turns his phone on and he's all.... silhouetted in the blue glow. Can't see his face or anything, just the blue glow and is head. Creepy.

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The damn toilet in the walgreens bathroom is crooked and it was freaking me out man

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

SPOILER: Click to show

i am a very angry person. and there's no reason for me to be.

except everything.

worklife is great. the people are really nice and understanding and explain things very well and i feel welcomed and appreciated for what i can do, not just what i can get done because you dont want to do it. its the homelife that's pissing me off

i own a triplex. i bought it nearly a year ago and we have been remodeling it in some capacity since august when the first tenant moved out, we being my parents - mom and stepdad. it has been going okay, i suppose, since it was built in the late 70s and has had no updates except for some new flooring circa 85. we're bringing it up to modern aesthetics, which means a kitchen expansion and other comparable things that im not gonna get into because its late and i need to get this out before i kill something or react badly to something not deserving of it. long story short, this is what has been eating up all my freetime and what energy i dont have -- i had mono back in 010 and have not recovered an ounce of physical stamina since.

i apologize in advance, because this is going to be jumbled since i cant be assed to think of an order to put it in.

i am an introvert. i need space and alone time of at least an hour a day to recharge and cope with the stupidity around me. i am ill - i may or may not have lupus. i may or may not have rheumatoid arthritis. i may have a tumor somewhere, who knows. i have a really bad impingement in my right shoulder which has ended up creating a nasty bonespur up in there. i have the worlds worst case of mono - coming up on three years of fatigue and no energy not made better by happy pills because of my seasonal affect disorder or whatever, or my evil uterus. all of this im okay with, i can deal with it. except the uterus, i want it gone.

i had my own apartment from 2010 to 11, then i moved back in with my parents to save some money; prior to that, i had been living with my dad, whom i very much can't get along with. i bought my house beginning of may last year, and stayed with my mom during the remodel until september, when my dad had the great idea to get a puppy. he's not a pet person.

nine months later, his dog still can't hold her bladder and just pees whenever she feels like it because he cant be assed to actually housebreak her. shes wild and unruly and she spends most of her time in the crate because he doesnt want to deal with her. mine, the one that actually can do what normal nine month old dogs do, actually tried to run off today to get away from her littermate.

i live with my dad and brother. so im basically living with two sixteen yearolds. they dont clean up after themselves, they dont care that the house is dirty, or if they do, they just bitch about it and dont do a damn thing to get it changed. there are at least five half-started renovation projects, stuff my dad can't finish be cause he's too lazy or he doesn't know how but doesn't want to spend the money or ask my stepdad, a contractor, how to do it.

i have had to share a dirtyass unfinished shower with them for six months.

im ocd. im allergic to everything. i keep getting motherfucking ringworm. and i get so pissed off because its made out to be only my job to do the dishes, feed the dogs -- they didnt get fed until 2200, sixteen hours after breakfast -- because he was waiting for me to get home so he didn't have to do it. i have to mix their kibble in a full bowl of water twice a day so i know for sure theyre getting some - if they dont drink they dont pee as much, right?

well, if the dont drink they die.

i am so close to being able to get the fuck out of this shithole and back into something so much better I can't stand it. i just want to be alone for an hour but i cant because i need to go stick my hands in paint thinner -- took me over a year to stop the skin from sloughing off my hands and the six months clear stretch was ruined in five minutes -- to get the damn caulk off the windows because no one thought to scrape it off before it got installed or listen to my dad bitch about the house or getting old or the dogs or my brother but not do a damn thing about it

i cant even hide in my room because its so cold and full of the workout equipment he buys but doesnt use; my computer is set up in the dining room which is fucking central to everything and

and

and

and

headphones dont mean jack no matter how many times i tell him i can't hear him when im wearing them

and and and

'im working on the triplex every night' does not stay where it belongs because he doesnt want to take care of the dogs that he got because his kids are all grown up :/

and and and

i sleep in the back room because its warm and the couch is a lot more comfortable than the airmattress thats in my room because my brother's room is a disaster and he cant sleep on his bed so he uses an airmattress in my room but now he cant because im here and i, purposefully, throw my shit all over int here so he cant use it

the thing that spurned this purge:
he didnt make dinner til 2230; then he ate and went to bed

he grilled on the grill outside

he went to bed with it still burning

high flames

i cant sleep while its light anywhere, the dryer is on, anyone else is up, or there's a fucking fire right in my line of sight. so what if it'll burn down? its still an open flame on a wooden porch and you're not watching it

surprised this house hasnt burnt down yet. christ.

I hate being a vampire

this brilliant
white
pulsating orb in the
bright
blue ceiling overhead
is just dreadful

There are thermals
radiating
off the pavement
beneath
my feet
taking the birds
higher and higher
without a care
In the world

Meanwhile I suffer
baking
in my own flesh
Broiled alive
like the poor lobster
From dinner last night.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

So here's the deal:
If you have questions for me, regarding anything for site use (threads, picture mods, etc) or whatever else you may want to know, please for the love of all you hold dear, pm it to me. Don't ask me in box or wait for me to pop in box or on skype. I hate skype.

I don't have internet. I barely have a functioning keypad. I am more than likely going to check my pms before I do anything in box, if I care to pop on box at all.

sent from my notsosmartphone of breakingthingsness

Wearing neoprene shoes sucks

I had something very important to say but I may have forgotten it so I don't remember if this is what it was:

I got carded for a glass of water at dinner with friends and coworkers tonight. lolwut.