I've been kicking the idea of making another blog on here, but I hadn't quite got around to it. Honestly, I was like "Why would I write a blog on AK? I don't really want to share things..private -.-" But now, I want a place to rant or whine or whatever else I need, so there ya go.

I discovered a new word today: Neophobia. Its the fear of new things or experiences. Well its nice to know theres a word for that, aside from me just calling it "New stuff freaks me out."

Where am I going with this? Well, as many of you know, I just got back from Canada last Sunday. Going there wasn't the new thing persay, but I was going to a different place this time, taking a taxi, flying into a different airport for my connecting flight, and probably going to have to ride a city bus. (Yes I know, I must live under a rock if I've never done these things)

Thus the panicking began.

Now normally, I wouldn't even do these things. Going the first time was such a breakthrough for me, something I don't think many people understand. I won't even go to a store thats out of my normal routine if I can help it. I just make excuses to not go and avoid. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but its really inconvenient and affects my daily life. Even places I have been before and do go on a regular basis bother me. Why? Because you never know what you'll going to have to deal with when a bunch of people are congregated.

With almost everything I do, there is some level is discomfort. If I could help it, I supposed I'd stay holed up in my apartment all the time.

Oh, and this phobia has extended to online things as well, though not as severe since I can don a fake persona if I need to.

Anyway, back on topic. Yes, Canada. Ah, I wish I could explain the level of proudness I felt when I did all those things. Granted, I didn't do the bus riding myself, Shirai was there to keep me calm, so it was nice, but I did most of those things by myself.

Every time I've gone up there to see him, I've been extremely impressed with myself afterwards, and I wonder how I managed to handle all those new and somewhat terrifying situations. Between that phobia and the social anxiety issues I have, its really, Really hard to break out of my ruts.

Now a few of you by now have met me in person, or at least have talked to me on a more one on one, personal level. Most people don't know I'm like this, and just assume I'm flaky or shy or stuck up or something, IDK. Don't get me wrong, I am a jerk sometimes, but more often its one or both of those things that affect my behavior toward people and places.

Despite all my freaked out by things-ness, I really wish I could go back to Canada, like..now. Coming home was more depressing this time than last time. I felt so shitty that I was up till 4 am on Monday night, cleaning. Cleaning is a nice distraction.

I though I was going somewhere with this, but I can't remember now so I'll just end it here.

So today I'm having an early midlife crisis.

I think its been a ongoing process, but I've been too focused on other people/things to really take the time to re-evaluate how much I am unsatisfied with my current life.

However, with the constant shitstorm at work as of late, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how green the grass looks, every store I work at is about the same. The problem isn't the job, well I think the job is too demanding to be honest, but really the problem is me. I don't enjoy retail. Its not the right fit for me, I think 4 or 5 years of it is enough for me to make a sound decision on that note.

I think I want to go back to school, because secretly, I think I might like to work in a bakery, though I don't know how practical that would be. Running a business...eh...its demanding..and I don't know how well I'd do at something like that. I clearly don't enjoy running a store.

Another part of me wonders if I'd like graphic design. I looked into it before, and back when I was making signatures for myself on here, I had a lot of fun. I also used to edit videos before I came to SR, and I had fun doing that, so I thought maybe neat graphic work would be fun.

But here are my worries. I'm 27 years old. How the hell would I support myself? Could I even do well at school anymore? School used to come so easily to me, but my attention span is shit these days, so I dunno.

Being an adult sucks.

Tonight's Theme Song



I look at this every day.

Now I'm not prone to buy or subscribe to mottos or phrases to live life by, its not my thing.

This caught my eye however, so I got it. A lot of it is advice I do believe I need to remind myself of daily. For example: "Start doing things you love." "Stop over analyzing." "If you don't like something, change it."

There are a lot of things I want to change, but for now, I think I'm okay. I could launch into a long ramble describing how god awful lonely I am these days, or how much work is stressing me out, but eh...

If I talk about it, I dwell. When I dwell on it, I can't ignore it, and it consumes me. I'd rather just ignore it until it goes away or I go nuts. So I'll just pluck along and do my best.

On the plus side, I get to go home this weekend. I say this, and in the back of my head I'm like "SHUT UP FOOL, YOU WILL JINX IT." I'd like to go home, I haven't seen my parents in almost a month.

Man..its been a month since I've seen anyone I love or really actually like.

Thats isolating as hell.

Work people are okay, I mean I get along okay with some of my coworkers, but would I count them as friends? No. Work friends are not the same as friends to me, hence the prefix "work". These people I only see at work, I chum around with them there, but once I clock out, I'm pretty much done with them. Sounds shitty? Yea, maybe, but I don't care. My time off is pretty sacred, and if I get too close to these people, they always want to go out and drink and party. Those things aren't enjoyable for me. Granted, I like to get shit-faced from time to time, but drinking around other people is a total nightmare for me, as I am prone to wild unpredictability.

Another sucky thing about work friends, they like to get together and talk about work. I've hung out with them before, so I know. Theres this awkwardness when you hang out, outside of work. No one knows what to talk about, so what do we revert to? Usually work. Yes, an epic bitch fest about work, stewing and jabbering about something I'd rather just not think about. As if we don't bitch and talk about work enough AT work.

I, of course, usually get hammered with scads of personal questions about my love life, or lack thereof (in their limited knowledge). Or I have to listen to gross sex stories, and other things women talk about that I really DON'T want to hear. When you see these people at their best and worst, and work with them...you don't want to know what kind of kinkery they get up to with their significant other(s). *Shudders* Un-arousing. That or the insipid whining about their relationships. I can be pretty empathetic, I mean I dated some real winners, let me tell you. But I MOVED On from them, I LEARNED what to avoid. I don't just keep putting up with crap like an idiot.

I'll never understand why people date me though, I'm a huge jerk and distant, Or I can be a needy clinger, Oh Gawd.

Anyway moving on from that.

Today, I thought I would reminiscence about a favorite memory from my recent trip.

Now many of you may remember my mentioning of the infamous "First cab ride" hurdle that I got to overcome. So, lets flesh out that story a bit. I finally land in Ottawa, and I'm focused on the simple task of getting the hell off the plane. Then I go to the next step, focus on navigating the airport, then finding my luggage and more navigating. You see, I have to do it this way, focus on one thing at a time, because when I'm in a new situation, its fairly frightening. I'm much like a fish out of water, so I have to break it down into baby steps so I can process it without freaking out. So I get my luggage, and pretty much bust out the doors out into the fresh air, unsure what to do next. Yes I know I need a cab, but why are all these people lined up and like, EVERYWHERE?

Then I remembered I saw a sign and a desk about information for transportation. Perhaps they could answer my mysterious question of mystery. I mean I had already programmed a couple of numbers for different cab companies in my phone, but perhaps the airport offered a service that would be easier to utilize. So I go in, ask, and they tell me to join the line out there and I'd be able to get a cab.

Success! No call, no human interaction! So I wander back outside, get at the end of this humungoid line, and wait. I finally get to the front and I'm like "Okay stay calm, you can do this. Don't freak and panic, or they're going to deport your rabid ass for being insane."

Breath held, I go forward as I'm motioned to the next open cab that just rolls up. Its a guy, and I'm already thinking, "FUCK, WHAT IF HE HAS AN ACCENT AND I CANT UNDERSTAND HIM AND HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME" I mean, while my accent is fairly non-regional at times, I do say things differently because I am an American. Though I am not a southerner, we midwesterners have our own twang at times to our words, and of course there is slang and other things I have to watch out for, because miscommunication is so easy to cause.

Yes, these are the horrified thoughts I'm milling through my head as the cabbie is putting my bags into the car and then ushering me into the car. And my trepidation is not eased by any means, because as we roll out of the airport and I give him the address I need, we hit a speedbump (figuratively!). The address I give him, though the right one, is unfamiliar to him, so he tries to eek out directions from me. Being the studious over preparer I am, I listed off a few nearby streets that was provided to me previously. However, this DID NOT help, because he still was like "idk...is that near..*insert place here*" and I'm like "I dunno man, I've never been there."

Giving me a look, he laughs and nods. Waking up his GPS, he prompts me to give him the address again, and after a few tries, he gets the correct address in, and we are good to go. I watched him like a hawk, because there were a few similarly named streets and I DID not want to end up lost with a high cab fare.

With the correct destination punched in, I settled back, and allowed my nerves to soothe. I was there, I was so close, I was finally going to see him. I was numb to the process during the flights, I mean from Indy I flew to Toronto and that was a nightmare in itself, so the prize of my trip (so to speak) didn't really dawn on me until I had those moments of solace in the cab.

After all, all the hard work was finally over! My decision making, grownup behavior could take a backseat, literally and figuratively, because I had all the hard parts nailed down. The cab was procured, and I had both cash and credit to cover my fee, so I knew I'd be fine with either option. I had the scary airport navigation long behind me (again literally and figuratively).

Of course, there was some twinges of joy as I took off in Toronto, and when I landed in Ottawa, but nothing, NOTHING compared to the giddiness I felt in that cab. Of course my good mood was doubled by the friendly cab driver I had. Once he got the destination nailed down, he struck up a friendly conversation. He was extremely pleasant, and surprisingly easy to talk to. The fellow engaged me in conversation, which was a miracle to do, because I am socially retarded when I'm in a unfamiliar setting. However, I was already pretty stoked, so it was really really easy for me to talk, compared to normal. I can't explain how awesome I felt. It was like..when your adrenaline is running high and you get a buzz from that, or when you're in that beautiful in between stage of sober and shitfaced, where everything is wonderful and you're still lucid enough to appreciate it.

It was a wonderful cab ride, the guy told me about some of the neater things about Ottawa that I didn't know about, and I felt in love with the world and everything around me. After all, why wouldn't I? I was finally seeing someone after over a year that I missed so desperately.

La Vie En Rose

I think that accurately describes how I felt, though I know nothing of french. Ask Aki, she knows all

What I wouldn't give for that feeling again.

Current Music:

I've trashed this post several times in the last few days. I think I need to vent, but at the same time...I just want to keep it all bottled up. Is that a preposition? I think so, and I think you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but with a phrase like that, how can you avoid it? There are a lot of instances like that, it drives me nuts.

Anyway, on to the point.

I'm just really really overwhelmed right now. Theres so much going on, some of which I can't even talk about, some of it I can. Work, as one can imagine, has been hectic. I'm usually tired and drained to some degree, but these shifts have just been kicking my ass. I feel like I'm just working, sleeping, then repeat. But, with two 12+ hour shifts behind me, with more on the horizon, I just don't know why I'm doing this anymore. I'm doing it because I have to, I have to make money to pay my bills, but why am I doing this job if I hate it so much?

I think I could deal with this job if I knew it was serving a greater purpose, if it was helping me reach a goal. But what the hell am I doing? What do I want? What is it that will make me happy?

*Sighs*

I miss having a best friend. A really close best friend I can tell everything to, someone I know won't abandon me. Someone I can get advice from, someone I can cry and whine to. I am so prone to put up walls between myself and everyone, for one reason or another. Its so lonely inside these walls, to be honest. But, I do it without even meaning to. Either to protect myself or the other person.

Walls.

They keep me from saying what I want to say. They keep me using the backspace key. All I can do is bite my tongue and smile as my mouth fills with blood while I pretend nothing is wrong.

Fucking tired of it.

Have you ever been so certain of something, so certain you couldn't imagine any other outcome, you were blinded with confidence to the point of oblivion? Then, something happens:

Doubt.



You start to see the shadows in your sunny world.

Its terrifying.

And its heartbreaking.

And you don't want to face it, so you shove it down, deny deny deny. Hell, you're to a point where you wonder, you know yourself so well, if this lingering doubt and worry could just paranoia. And you know that if you open your mouth, you WILL fucking jinx it.

So you don't just shove it down, you dismiss it. You cup your hands, fill them with icy water, and throw the liquid in your face. The piercing cold always jolts you to your senses, after all. Its an act of symbolism, as well as device to adjust your thoughts, to wash away the undesirable, underlying current that flows through your being.

But it never goes away, does it? It may go dormant, yes, perhaps for a few minutes, a few months, a few years. But deep down inside, you're a pessimist at heart, waiting for that other shoe to fall.

Fuck shoes.

God these holidays need to be over with already. Its great to think that in about two weeks, it'll be downhill. Work has been an absolute blast, let me tell you. Between the crazy ass customers, and my boss praising her precious support team, I'm just ugh about work. At least she isnt nagging me as much as she used to, now that I dont have to set my floor, but it just pisses me off that I never get the kind of recognition the support team gets.

But in their defense, they work crazy, long hours to get their job done.

Of course, in MY Defense, I would have gotten my sets done, which they do now, if I had a team of people to help me, and hours dedicated to just working on my department. But, since I'm a department manager, I have to help customers, and deal with associates, so I didnt have the time or the manpower.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to work 12-15 hours a day like some of them do just to get a pat on the back. I like my sanity and my time away from work. Its not like I have much of a life though, I live alone and I don't go out with friends. I just like being home, messing around on the internet and playing video games, it makes me happy, more happy than going out and dealing with the world when I dont have to.

What it boils down to is that I'm annoyed and feel like I'm not appreciated, but its whatever. I know how hard I work, and I know I do a good job, its just nice to get some reassurance once in awhile.

Oh well

Ash tumbles and scatters
As smoke dances and rolls
Gracefully
In its wake
Embers glow, spread to die
Flickering
Gasping greedily at the air
Reaching toward their mates'
Embrace
Wistfully, in despair
They fade to black
Alone

SPOILER: Click to show

I really need to muster up the motivation to resume keeping a journal. I bought a nice, cute one at work ages ago (A Hello Kitty one, Jelly?), and I made an informal, non-committal promise to myself (if that makes sense, it does to me so bleh) to start writing again, vent to myself.

Since I can't be bothered to find a pen in this pig pen, here we go.

It seems like I only write when I'm crap mood, which I am in presently, surprise surprise. Boss is up my ass at work, again, but whats new? Its always something, and I'm always bitching about it. But I'll put up with it, because getting a new job is a pain in the ass, and I don't want my resume to look pathetic with short stints at various jobs. Believe me, if I didn't think that in a year or so, I'd be quitting whatever current job I have, I'd quit this crap hole and find a new crap hole to deal with.

I'm so fucking eloquent. Too much? I don't know the swearing policy 100%, so sorry Ki D: Can we pass it off as me being IC, character being a disgruntled, depressed woman-child? Sure...lets go with that.

Work was especially impressive today. Boss made one of the other supervisors cry, I was especially proud of how rude and cutting she can be for someone who likes to pretend shes one of those round, jolly, quirky energetic types. The girl that she made cry is probably one of the nicest, sweetest girls I've met. And you know me, I don't like females. I think they've all got an angle, but this girl..I'unno...as she was crying, I was actually moved to put my arm around her in this sort of half assed hug (I hate touching people, don't judge). I had this like..older sister instinct or something going on, I dunno. Really irritated the Boss made her cry. Bitch. Fake Bitch.

I'd impress the details of the situation upon you, tell you both sides of the story equally, because I love to argue fairness when I can, but let me save myself the trouble. Boss was ineffectively trying to do her job, you don't talk down to people like that to motivate them into doing their job. I may not have all the fancy credentials that make her SUCH a WONDERFUL manager, but even I know there are some people you have to push differently to get results. And being a rude C U Next Tuesday isn't the way to do it. But what do I know? I dropped out of college -.-

W/e

Over it man. I'm over sooo much it isn't even funny. My 'putting up with crap' tolerance is so low I can't even. I have lost my ability to even.

Oh and Boss tried to bully one of my employees too, one of the only good ones I have. Pretty pissed about that. Would have got all "Whats all this" on her, but I actually think I had the non-existent balls to lose my temper and end up without a job.

But back to my 'putting up with crap' tolerance. You all might have noticed I'm not hanging around as much, not haunting the box regularly and things. I think because I've gotten my quota in lately for human interaction, and maxed out my quota for fucks given, so SINCE I'm such an impatient, antisocial jerk, I've just checked out of socializing. No offense, I just think its best if I leave people alone if I can't play nicely with others.

Course, there are times I think I can be nice and fun and not a drag or a asshat, so I'll hang around then.

Also, someone needs to RP with me so I don't go inactive. Someone who won't care if my posts just barely meet the activity rules. Someone who cares not for being tied up in a slow thread, and someone who can give me creative stimulus cuz I'm not feeling it atm man -.-

Sick of Chie right now, hard to get into her but I REFUSE TO SCRAP.

God I need a stiff drink.