Okay... So, I'm really tired of holding my feelings to myself. I know it's not healthy to do that, but I am a socially awkward girl that has never fit in my whole life. I've never had anyone who would just sit there and listen to how I felt until I was finally fed up with all the stress and just cried my anger out. When I do try to talk to someone I always say something to piss someone off or hurt their feelings, which I have just recently did. And I feel bad about it, so much so that it makes me, I don't really know, truth be told. Angry, at myself? Pissed that I couldn't tease the way they did?

I'm also irritated at myself that I always let people who are a**holes tease me so cruelly that I end up crying myself to sleep. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to take a stand and tell them to f**k off. I don't care if that's how they act around their friends, I'm not like them! I am an emotionally unstable person and will take those teasings literally. And most of them weren't very funny but just plain hurtful. But most of all I'm hurt that no matter how pissed off I got at them, they'd just laugh it off, but when I tried to give them a taste of their own medicine, they just completely drop me out of their life, making me feel like an even bigger piece of poo on the side of the road.

Hopefully, I can just forget about it and go on with my life. (But I highly doubt that...)

Last night = worst night ever.

I ended up losing my moms debit card. She started out all yelling and stuff and believing my sister about the story, because, you know, no one ever believes what I have to say. EVER. So I got pretty emotional about that. My sister and I ended up going back into town to check my mom's work for it, didn't find it. Got back home and my mom is all "It's okay, we can just cancel it and get a new one." Yeah, now you tell me that after I just had a 'I'm the worst daughter/person ever moment.' My dad then goes out to my car to search for it some more. It was under my seat the whole freaking time. *Slams head into wall repeatedly*

On the bright side, this Thursday morning wasn't that bad. Finally made a decent french braid for my sister and found out who the b*t*h is, the one who calls my sister mean names, while she gave me the stink eye. It really looked like she had a booger up her nose but didn't DARE to get it because she's, like oh my god, Popular. Almost hit her with my car, because no one is allowed to make fun of my sister, besides me. It's my job.

So not so much as feels as the last, but just felt that I should write about it.

Forgot to add that my bunny, Mo, finally let me pet him without freaking out.... Which is really good, because he's so soft and fluffy.. :3

Rain is no longer my friend. Nor is the wind, especially when they are combined. After picking up my sister from cheerleading practice (she has forever changed to the dark side!!!) we found ourselves driving down a road that is usually fairly lit with houses that dot the vast emptiness of what is known as the woods. It was then that I knew that my house had also lost power, and as most of you know, I am terrified of the dark. Thankfully my mom owns an infinite amount of candles.

About ten minutes before my dad came home the power came back on. YAY! No more frozen fishies! When my dad did come home, he was loaded with six bags full of Hostess junk food... Good bye trying to eat healthy.. ;A;

And then my family went to some Thai food place and ate my first full squid... Twas very... interesting.. And amazingly good. Talked about funny things with my family, but because of my brain, I cannot remember what the funny was.

Turkey Day, the time of gathering with family and eating to your heart's, or stomach's, delight. It was nice, but not as much food as the previous years. My immediate family was late, which is usual, for my mother takes forever to get ready. Amazingly enough, there was all sorts of desert, the usual being pumpkin and pecan pie, but this time there was TIRAMISU and Tarheel pie. I love tiramisu so much, but didn't even attempt to try the Tarheel pie because I am not a fan of pecans, walnuts and the like.

Near the end of the gathering of family, my aunt invited my mom to go to Portland, Oregon to go Black Friday shopping, and I, wanting to actually do something other than homework, decided to go along.... Worse choice ever. We managed to get to the mall right when the lines disappeared.

Once inside the mall the first thing I see is a feeding frenzy around the women's shoes in Macy and a guy puking into a garbage can. Yum.. And then there was the Hoard of Victoria's Secret. Personally I don't see what's so great about it, but then again, I can't fit into any of their skimpy garments.

We finally left the mall after buying me a pair of knock-off uggs at Aeropostal for my birthday and headed to Best Buy. I could spend hours upon hours in that store, playing with the electronics, looking through movies, music, and video games... It was just beautiful.

After the shopping, my mom, sister and I got home at seven in the morning. I was then rudely awakened by my sister because she had stupid cheerleading practice at one in the afternoon. Went to my friends house around 7ish. The lower half of her house is freezing while her bedroom is kept at around 70 degrees F for her rats. Did some English homework and played a really mean card/board game called Munchkin.

Went home after spending the night and did the rest of my Chinese, art, and English homework.

And that was my weekend.

My weekend was very interesting....

Was left alone for the whole weekend with my sister because my parents went to a casino to celebrate my mom's birthday, which was the 1st and also shares her birthday with my second favorite Espada, Ulquiorra. Being left alone with my sister had led to at least six cat/fist fights, mainly over her playing Skyrim for like 20 hours straight and having her crimp my hair... When she finally did crimp my hair it made me look like a lion/Snow in FFxiii-2... >>; Never again. Still haven't finished my English essays, so I'm going to have to do them sometime this week.. x~x Not even sure what amazing things I will do for my birthday for volleyball dominates my families life, even after the season is over. Toes are cold because I didn't get my new knock-off uggs even though I told my mom I wanted to wear them today... I'm wearing my only pair of heels instead.. >

Hopefully my day will improve..

I got to thinking this morning while lying in my bed, too lazy to get out of it. When I think, it's usually about things that are negative, leaving me feeling terrible about myself or making me doubt something. This thinking lead to being afraid that I'm alone and that no one cares that I am. I know... It's a stupid thought. I just wish I wasn't so blind and insecure to see that people actually care. But it's hard. Especially when my own family doesn't even care to hear what I have to say.

In other words, my sister is one of the meanest people I have ever known. Every word that leaves her mouth is always laced with hate and venom. It irritates me to no end that no one in my family takes action to stop her attitude. The way she speaks to my mom is completely rude and leaves me flabbergasted that my mom doesn't do anything about it half the times my sister talks like that. Take her damn phone away from her! She needs to get back into the real world anyways! Ever since she moved to a different school than me, her personality has warped into this ugly creature that hates everything.

Friday: Evil sister was being obnoxious while I was trying to drive and get the low down on my plans for that night with a friend. We were trying to figure out what time was best to go see the Hobbit, while my sister was turning up my ipod and radio, making the speakers booming and even more crappier than they are now, which was right before the 90 degree turn before my driveway. Watched her play Skyrim until I had to take her back to her school for a basketball game, where I felt like a thug, listening to "Party Like a Rockstar" and "Tipsy". Once I dropped her off, I finally made my way to my friends house to go to the movies. The Hobbit was so amazing, and don't get my started on Kili the Drawf. My best friend and I are now and forever on Team Kili. >> Ended up getting home at midnight and right before I took my contacts out, my dog had to be a brat and vomit right in front of my sisters bedroom door. So that took me another ten minutes to clean it and resulted in me to finally get in bed at 12:30 am.

Saturday: Woke up and started to play video games. Left the house two hours later so my sister could get a Beiber cd for a friend in exchange for a Tim Tebow calendar. Little does she know that mom already got her the calendar. >>; We then went to Starbucks and she treated me to a hot chocolate. Went home for two hours before I had to take her to club volleyball. Once I got back home, I went back to drawing Kurai. Friend texted me about wanting to watch the Hobbit again and we did so, this time me spending the night at her house, and watch Ted twice.

Sunday: Went shopping with my friend, getting myself a Hobbit poster for my room, and finding the most adorable rodents ever. Taz and Spaz, two little, sweet ferrets. MUST HAVE THEM! I went home after the shopping and watched the survivor finale with my family. Watching that kinda makes me want to try out the game... But I know I would suck at it, being that I am very silent and don't like to hurt peoples feelings. But I would have to suck it up and try out my deviousness. Any ideas on whether I should go for it or not?

SPOILER: Click to show

I would like to place my essays somewhere and hear some feedback, other than my teacher and classmates, so why not here?

Essay 1: The Movie Essay

If I was told to create a fantasy/adventure film, how would I make it unlike all the other movies of that genre? Well, to put it simply, I would take the movies The Lord of the Rings and put the cast (they still being hobbits, dwarves, wizards, and elves) into a modern day era. Instead of battling the hordes of orcs and goblins under Sauron’s command I would have the fellowship battle the entire foundation of McDonalds’ by having Frodo bear the one golden onion ring. Frodo would have to deal with the hardship of a forever hungry stomach and deal with the ever tantalizing smell of the onion ring. What Lord of the Rings movie would be complete without the character of Golem? Instead of Golem being a gangly starved creature, however, he would be a giant obese person who hounds Frodo in order to get the one golden onion ring. This genre could easily fail, sadly to my creativeness, because even though it would be pretty amazing to see someone go battle some restaurant franchise all done up in medieval garb, it probably wouldn’t get a huge population going up to see this rendering of the beloved Lord of the Rings.

One example of a successful movie is the newly released The Hobbit. The reason why this movie turned to be so successful was because, of course, the movies that came before it. There was already a huge gathering of Lord of the Rings fans that it would be nuts to think that no one would like this movie. It was also a wonderful movie because instead of the original characters, The Hobbit introduced you to some brand new heroes, while interspersing some well-loved characters, like Frodo and Gandalf. The story of getting the dwarves home back was touching and there were more laughs throughout the movie than its precursors.

This next one is a six word memoir.

Falling. Pain. Enemies. Friends. Love. Rising.

One of my biggest fears has come. Last night, I lost the best friend I've had since I was six years old. And she passed away without my knowing. I didn't get to see her yesterday because it had been raining and she never came knocking on the door to let me know that she wanted in. Now I'll never see her again. The last thing I remember is being mad at her for pooping/vomiting on the floor. I didn't get to say how much I loved her or how she was the best dog in the entire world. She was born on Halloween and I got her on my sixth Christmas, absolutely happy that Santa got me the fluffy white, half-wolf for me. My excited little squeals when we did get a puppy. Three years later and she having the most adorable puppies ever. All the hardships with getting new dogs, and she always staying in our family the longest.

I love you so much, Solo. I hope you get to run to your hearts delight where you are now.